At the beginning of 2021, I started a new job. I liked it a lot; it challenged me, I was able to take on responsibility, and I was finally earning money again. It wasn't always easy with my boss, as we had communication problems. Nevertheless, all in all, I liked it. 

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A year later, I contracted COVID-19 and had a difficult recovery. After testing positive, I went straight to the doctor because I felt unusual pressure in my chest and had my lungs and blood values checked. I was afraid of long COVID because I might not be able to do sports anymore. The doctor told me to rest my lungs so they could regenerate. I gave up sports for a month. When I went back to the doctor, he told me that I was physically fit again, that it was probably psychosomatic, and that he recommended I start exercising again. I still felt the pressure on my chest, but I started exercising again and the pressure on my lungs slowly eased.  

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Due to my poor recovery, I remained on part-time sick leave and was therefore unable to complete the items on my to-do list on time. Since I did not meet the requirements of the certificate of incapacity for work, my boss showed little understanding and my own expectations seemed to almost overwhelm me. I did not feel well because I was only able to work through my to-do list slowly. My lungs were still not fully cooperating, and I fell into a deep hole. I knew I had to get help because this was the beginning of my depression. I went to my family doctor, who diagnosed me with burnout and subsequent depression, and I was prescribed antidepressants. At first, the dosage was much too high, and I experienced severe side effects (e.g., loss of appetite, insomnia, headaches, and manic bursts of energy).

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I received support from several specialist agencies (daily sickness benefit insurance – case manager, occupational psychologist, family doctor, and IV). At the same time, I looked for a therapist and started seeing her. She noticed that I had very low self-esteem. So we began autogenic training and worked through my past. I felt a little strange the first time when she told me to imagine myself as a little boy and connect with him (myself). I was supposed to make contact with “myself,” talk to “myself,” play, and allow myself to feel emotions toward my younger self. The therapist quickly realized that I was able to establish a good connection with my 3-4-year-old self. I played with him, knew what to say and how to behave, and I enjoyed it. When we got to my 8-year-old self, I couldn't connect. I didn't know what to say to the boy, how to behave towards him, and I didn't like “him.” My therapist provocatively asked what such a little boy would need. Only then was I able to embrace “him.” During the session, it became clear to us that I don't like the male gender, that I have carried a very large inferiority complex because of this, and that I have therefore disliked myself since childhood. We need to work through this and achieve a healthy balance so that I can trust myself and my fellow human beings of the same gender.

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I am the youngest in my family, and this contributed significantly to my inferiority complex. As a child, teenager, and adult, I was never able to be the first to achieve, bring home, or accomplish something that someone else in our family hadn't already done. I compared myself to my siblings and, at best, could only achieve the same things they did, which meant I could never feel satisfied with myself. This was not important to my parents; they were very fair to us and were equally happy with all their children. The magnitude of the achievement and whether they had already experienced it with another child was irrelevant to them.

 

I am working on this with my therapist, who sees herself more as a life coach. She is more familiar with alternative therapies, so the long-term goal is to overcome my depression without antidepressants (sertraline – serotonin reuptake inhibitor). These have caused me to feel numb or suppressed my emotions. I experience my depressive phases without feeling the lows too much, but the highs of happiness are also suppressed. Depression triggers listlessness, difficulty making decisions, loss of control, anxiety, poor concentration, and sleep disorders in me.

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During my recovery process, I was also dismissed. Although I received professional support for my illness from eight external individuals, my employer felt that I could have contributed more to the recovery process. This reason for dismissal came as a surprise to me, as my former boss had previously suffered from depression himself and should have been aware of the limited energy resources involved. During the termination meeting, my boss mentioned that I had not been honest about my illness and that I had communicated differently with all four parties (employer, doctor, psychologist, and case manager). This is not true, but since I had released the psychologist from her duty of confidentiality, she told my case manager her diagnosis without me knowing it. This was then held against me during the termination meeting. What I learned from this is that communication should go through me, as I am the person who is ill and it is about me. And that I should not/must not blindly trust professionals.

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What I would like to see from my environment and society is, above all, that I do not require sympathy. I am not fragile; I am ill. When I am able to function, I can do so, and I expect to be trusted to do so. When I am unable to function, it is my responsibility to communicate this, and I am grateful when others take over the task completely. For me, it's a learning process to hand things over, but when I delegate, it has to work without me.

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When talking about my illness, I have hardly encountered any resistance, rejection, or lack of understanding. I have learned from some people that they also suffer or have suffered from depression, which has led to wonderful and valuable conversations. However, many were surprised that I, as a role model, coach, teammate, brother, child, supportive friend, and adult man, have suffered from depression.